Echoes in an empty skull

Today was one of those days when I can't get out of my own head. No matter what I read, listen to or do, the stress of not having a constant income stream (even ebay sucks as income these days with no one bidding on once popular items) is throbbing loudly in my skull.

I did get a lot done, I have 50 pendants to drop to a bazaar for this weekend, so I spent all day organizing, cutting, sticking and labeling. And more photo editing and ebay. But my head was still full of fuzzy lead and the feeling that something bad will happen soon. No thanks to hearing yesterday that we are officially in a rescession, and have been so for a year. Now that it's official that means people will pull back from buying luxury goods even more. And that's what I make! Food and entertainment are pretty stable choices, but I'm making and selling stuff that is for fun and decoration. Sales have already been sucking for months. Etsy is not doing a good job advertising itself to buyers and no matter what I'm doing with it, it's not enough.

So I have no distraction outlet. No tv, no streaming video (my heatsink went kablooie a week ago and the .. no need to get technical, it overheats if I have more than 1 program open), I can't stay focused on a book, my roommates are not the kind of people I can hang with, all my friends are busy. I called a couple to catch up, but it did nothing to allay my nervous empty discomfort.

Food was the next step. I went to my favorite vegetarian indian restaurant. Completely packed with young scruffy boho types. Food was decent as usual, but I was too distracted to be in the moment and enjoy it. I wanted to sit at a strangers table and have an interesting conversation. On days like this I want to get on craigslist and say 'I want to meet a stranger for dinner, come to -blank- at 7pm and we'll talk about nothing in particular'. But I know it will not turn out as well as my imagination.

Picked up a bag of toffees that totally blew my blood sugar (I can feel the palpitations as I write). I then drove around Palms in exploratory mode. Looking for interesting restaurants, parks, gas prices (1.87!), and I found myself driving north. So now I'm at the boyfriends house blogging, while he is doing the last of another 12 hour day in Culver City.

I've had plenty of days like this when I was desperately looking for a job during the summer, and I'm not liking it at all. It's not something I can get use to.

I don't like not having someone around to talk to, someone to curl up with, someone to discuss events and ideas and nonsuch whenever I want to. And it's making me think about things I thought were long dead. Heck, I'm even feeling bad about breaking up with past boyfriends. Perfectly nice men who were not what I wanted at the time. 15 years later and I'm lamenting my breakup w/ a guy in college. My brain is feeling lonely and it's actively rubbing my face in it.